Families' Corner
We spoke with Hedieh Yazdanseta, a mom of a Seawolf going into her freshmen year, and a Stony Brook alumna herself. She expresses her experiences being a parent of a child walking through the orientation process!
Before we get into questions about being the mom of a college student, can you please share with us your educational background?
I have a Bachelor's degree in Psychology from Stony Brook University and a Master's in Counseling from Long Island University with certification to teach K-12.
Looking back, what has been the most surprising thing to you about being a parent of a college student?
What's surprised me the most is how much I've learned about the institution that I've been working for the past 17 years, pleasantly surprised to see how much our many programs and services have a positive impact on incoming students who are scared, worried and looking to make connections. I guess I took it for granted from the staff perspective. I didn't know just how much of a difference it makes to those who are not so familiar with our campus. I was also pleasantly surprised how easy it was to navigate and check into the residence halls.
How about the most rewarding thing...and why?
This would be my pride as an alumni and current staff at the university. Seeing my daughter connect with staff and faculty so quickly and easily (intentionally) has been very rewarding and has made me prouder to be a Seawolf.
In this issue, we have lots of information about Family Weekend coming up on October 1st. Can you please share with us what "school spirit" means for a family member(s)? Have you ever been a part of Family Weekend?
I have never been part of Family Weekend. For me, I hope to see a showcase of engagement from campus (staff and faculty) in welcoming families onto campus. I hope to see my daughter being engaged and introducing me to various staff and friends. I hope we have an opportunity to meet other parents, meet faculty and staff, see a game, grab a bite and get some swag.
Any last insights or tips you may have for either new families or returning families for this fall semester?
I would say to reach out for help. Ask a lot of questions and seek out the Office of Student Life and Family Support Services to get all your questions answered. It's a large university, but we are a small community who are here to help and support students and families. I'd also suggest they come to campus, go to a game, eat lunch in West Side with their students, walk the academic mall and take part in community events.
We spoke with Heather Fiore, mom of a Seawolf going into his sophomore year, shares great nuggets of wisdom for parents and families of new and returning Seawolves!
Tell us about yourself (please also include your relationship to education or your educational journey).
My name is Heather Fiore, and I am a wife and a mom to 3 boys. Justin who attends SBU is my one and only going to college so I have really tried to enjoy the whole process with him. I did go to college and have my Bachelor's in Communications; however, I commuted. That is the one regret I have (also I didn't apply myself in high school as I could have). I truly wanted Justin to have a residence experience, but for us we knew as a family unit that it would be a driving distance.
I feel like first and foremost that has to be a starting point in the process: not just what your child maybe wants, but what works best as a whole for YOUR family. So much pressure these days with social media can make us easily sway our thoughts.
We have a 22-year-old on the autism spectrum so flying half way across the country wouldn’t really be feasible. That being said Justin thankfully never wanted that either, so SBU was a great option. It was an hour from home, but far enough that he got to be independent. Along with academics, to me, that's the most important takeaway from college.The structure of the semester is behind us and our Seawolves have set out on their summer adventures. Can you share what you are anticipating for your Seawolf during the summer months?
Justin did take a winter online course and had a full course load during the semester, so he is looking forward to the academic break. The exciting part is he is going to Nicaragua to help build a school in June. This was a trip that was planned pre COVID and was canceled, and it was a huge disappointment when we thought it wasn’t happening. When he got the email that it was resuming, he was all in! The rest of the summer will be some side work and some vacation with the family. He is also looking forward to a camping trip that he and his college roommates are planning.
Summer as a child is often remembered fondly as vacation days filled with family activity. Please share how Summer 2022 may be different for your family with a college student at home.
We are just soaking in the time we have with him because it literally all goes so fast! I like to make sure at least a few times a week we do something special together, small things like watching our favorite show or playing a board game or just chatting about life.
What other wisdom can you share with other families of Seawolves to help them create a Summer experience for both their student and the entire family?
While I definitely say spend that quality time together you also want to spend some time discussing the upcoming year and making sure they are prepared:
- Talk to your student about their expectations. If you have a shy, more introverted child, discuss with them the importance of putting themselves out there in groups that maybe they wouldn’t typically join. It's a time to step outside your comfort zone and meet new people.
- Make copies of their important documents that they will have with them (driver’s license, health insurance, etc.) to make sure you have them if you need these or if they lose them.
- We made a fish tackle box of emergency needs of almost all you can think of! That gave me as a parent great peace of mind. I hope that when he comes home he used next to none of it, but it's all there in case he needs it in a moment's notice.
- Send them off with emergency phone numbers and the numbers they will need at SBU; the more you plan ahead the better grounded you will feel. And make sure you take time to enjoy the whole process. Yes, it's their college experience, but you can ride along in the back seat as they take off on this new journey. My son's freshman year has been a total success in all aspects and I hope that's the case for your incoming freshman!
We spoke with Betsy Driebeek, mom of two Seawolves, Julian '21 '24 & Kyle '23. As we're heading into summer, Betsy told us about her experience adjusting the family routine to having both boys at home for the summer break, and how to make the adjustment back to classes (hint: it involves encouraging the packing two weeks ahead, so it gets done 2 days before!):
Tell us about yourself (please also include your relationship to education or your educational journey).
I am a Connecticutonian, born and raised, received my undergraduate degree in Hotel Restaurant and Travel Administration from UMASS Amherst and MBA from what was then, Quinnipiac College, in my hometown of Hamden. Before both my sons attended Stony Brook University simultaneously, they attended an Agriculture/Aquaculture Science and Technology High School in New Haven, just on the northern side of Long Island Sound. I love that school so much that I stayed on after they both graduated to photograph all activities, admin their Facebook page and help with promotion and recruitment. Similarly, I adore Stony Brook University. I must admit I had never heard of this school until my oldest, Julian, applied to the Physics program -- the partnership with Brookhaven National Laboratory is what sold him. My youngest, Kyle, also caught the bug for SBU and I visit any chance I get whether to celebrate one of our family milestones together or take in a wonderful show at The Staller Center. Though there are 16 miles of water between us, it's just a hop on the ferry.
It is the end of the Spring semester and students are finishing exams and preparing for the summer months. Can you tell us what it is like for you as a parent to prepare for the summer when college students are part of your family?
Traveling, exploring, and visiting relatives are major activities for our family, so we try to still work that into our summers before the boys are on their own career paths with families. Most often, however, the boys have been taking summer courses whether online from home or live on campus, so we need to plan around those dates and any summer work time as well. When they are taking summer courses, it is most often in the first wave. Studying and class time are intense, delaying the real start of a more relaxed summer for them. Only then, they can let out a huge sigh, for the few weeks left. But, the major prep for summer is in the change of routines which leads to the next question…
During summer transitions in the past, what was the most difficult part for you as a parent?
While the boys are at school it's just my husband and I at home in our own routine for two. So, it's just at the very beginning of summer when everyone is home together again (barring summer school or work on campus) and at the very end when summer winds down that are the difficult times of adjusting to the change in routines from two to four and back to two again. As an aside, I LOVED our intense time together during COVID. That was way more than a summer together, and when we sent them off to college we never expected to have such lengthy quality time as a family again. The reason for the time together was scary, sad and unknown, and missing college life was a huge loss, but the time together was a blessing.
The ultimate transition is when your student graduates and then begins an entire new chapter in their life. What can you tell us about that process for you and your family?
Well, in our case, Julian graduated with his undergraduate degree in Physics from SBU last June and went right on to his Master’s Degree in Physics at SBU, so I don't have the answer to that question yet. But he is teaching during his Master’s studies and earning a paycheck for doing so, continues to work for a Physics teacher he researched for starting in the 2nd half of his freshman year, and he is thinking about what will be next along his path of growth. Bottom line, we are super proud of his accomplishments with every chapter. Kyle will graduate next year from SBU and continue on to grad school though, sadly for all of us, his focus on Historic Preservation is not offered at Stony Brook.
What other wisdom can you share with other families of Seawolves to help them prepare for a very different transition than the one in August?
Don't be surprised if there is a lot of sleeping happening the first week home. They really need to “chillax” before their summer routines can begin. On the other end of summer, encourage the gathering and packing two weeks in advance in hopes that they might start at least two days before they need to leave for school.
We spoke with Amy Vitale, a Student Affairs team member and mom of 2 college boys, and she told us about her experience sending her son Jason to college, what she's learned from this process and her advice for Seawolf parents.
Q. Tell us about yourself (please also include your relationship to education or your educational journey)
My name is Amy Vitale and I am the fortunate mother of 3 boys! My husband is a teacher and coach in our community, so education has always been a big part of our lives. After 20 years in the corporate world, I came to Stony Brook University as the Student Affairs Administrator of Human Resources and Budgets. Since I joined higher education, I can tell you I will never go back to corporate finance. I enjoy the chance to participate in the college experience and support students from my area.
As for my education, I am one of four children in my family who went to college. My parents always instilled the importance and value of education. I have a Master’s in Business Administration and even though I understand higher education is not for everyone, when continued education is part of a young person’s future, I believe it is crucial to find the “right fit”!
Q. When you think back to your student’s college application process, as a Mom, how much influence did you have over the decision making?
As a parent, I thought I had tremendous influence over the decision making process, but I came to learn my influence was more through encouragement and guidance. More like creating a ‘road map’ for the trip, rather than deciding exactly where they would end up. I believe we helped them to recognize their own potential and gave them tools to filter through all the potential colleges. In my conversations regarding choice of college, I did talk about the importance of value relative to cost, in terms of public education vs. private education, and also close proximity to family was a priority for me in case of an emergency.
Q. As a Stony Brook administrator in Student Affairs, you know the behind the scenes work on campus when preparing for students to live and study. What was it like for you to have your student decide to go to a college far from home? Please tell us about your concerns.
I’ll answer the second part first! As a parent, I am always concerned about my boys when they are not ‘touchable’, or in reach, or under our roof. Health and safety concerns never leave me and likely never will! When I realized my son Jason was looking to go away for college, not seeing him everyday became a reality for us. As we visited campuses, it was clear that finding the right ‘fit’ was more important than him being close to home. I wanted a school where Jason could envision himself there, walking that campus, taking that curriculum and making those friends! Once I saw his enthusiasm, my job of letting go became a little bit easier. I just needed to know Jason was comfortable and happy.
Q. What changes did you notice in your student when he returned home after the fall semester? What was it like for your family to gear up to saying goodbye again for the spring semester?
When Jason first came home there was so much excitement! I stocked up with his favorite cereal, snacks and made home cooked meals he loved! Soon the laundry was piling up and the shoes were stacked at the back door, the house felt full again! Not to overlook my two younger sons who were still living with us, it is just that we were a family of 5 again.
When it was time for Jason to return to school, it was not as tough as dropping him off. I think it was his excitement to go back to his new friends and his campus that made the good byes a little easier. I knew his time home would be temporary and we had fallen into a routine without him, so I must have known we would again. When we first left him at school, I can only describe it as physical pain. I felt like I was punched in the heart. I had no idea what was to come next or how any of us would adjust. After we all did adjust, I was better prepared for his return. Although, I still tend to say “table for 5” at a restaurant even when Jason is at school. UGH.
Q. When it comes to transitioning students back into the household routine while on breaks or over the summer, what are the top three things you would recommend for family members who have students living far away for college?
- Everyone needs to show respect for everyone else’s time and space.
- Establishing a routine, as best you can, is crucial in running a household.
- Good communication will spare a lot of misunderstandings.
Q. Can you share with us how the spring semester, so far, appears different from the fall semester?
COVID has had a tremendous impact on my son’s college experience. Now that COVID restrictions are lifting, I can already hear in his voice a different level of excitement. It sounds more like he is living the true diversity of a college campus. Eating in the dining hall with others, 300 person lecture halls with full faces, small study groups, and just all around less worry about getting sick.
Q. If you need to contact someone at your student’s institution regarding their well-being, how would you go about doing that? Do you know how family members connect with Stony Brook University in times of need for their Seawolf?
I think I would first try to navigate the web and go to the Parent Facebook page at school. I know more about how Stony Brook parents and families can reach us! We have a robust New Student Programs staff along with the Student Support Team and the newly created Family Services and Support area. I know the people working in all these areas and totally trust they are able to navigate parents around campus when they need it. I guess as a result of my second son, Tommy, joining Jason at the same college, I am hoping if one of them needs us, the other will reach out to us!
We spoke with Aneil Persaud, brother of Seawolf Anjali Persaud, and he talked to us about his sister's academic journey at Stony Brook University, and how they're dealing with the challenges the pandemic posed on her education:
Q. Tell us about yourself...
As long as I can remember, school has been important. My path has taken me from high school, to community college, to Stony Brook, to accounting, and a future in Higher Education. My vision of a successful job was always pictured in the business world with a corner office with a view. It was all I knew. It was during my student employment on a college campus that I started to see how other jobs held a "sense of satisfaction." I found that when I got the chance to supervise college students. The beauty of Higher Education is that you can start out in something, yet based on the types of skill and experience you gain, doors can open into other areas of study. There are lots of opportunity for growth!
Q. What was it like for you to have your sister be a part of in person classes in the pandemic? Did you have any concerns?My sister started at Suffolk County Community College, not passionate about her education, but then she received a letter from Stony Brook and it sparked something in her. I saw her transition into a different student! Her college experience was first in-person classes, then online, then in-person again. As a family member, I was concerned for her health and safety due to COVID-19. It was a terrifying time as I watched other SUNY campuses experience a rise in infection rates among their students.
Then, when the restrictions began to ease, I felt more cautious than optimistic at first. Stony Brook University, however, was not showing the infection rates other SUNY schools were experiencing. Our numbers were not spiking over time. I would watch the dashboard on the Stony Brook Strong page and soon came to learn Stony Brook was considered a Flagship school in SUNY around COVID-19 issues. There was constant communication to students, staff and families from the VP of Student Affairs and the Student Health Services. My role as a member of the Student Affairs Team here at Stony Brook took me to another SUNY campus where I witnessed students and staff with their masks down. It appeared less 'strict' than SBU. I also had the opportunity to be directly involved in planning for our testing sites and vaccination PODs on campus. I sat at the table with our public health experts to improve access to safe practices for the SBU community. Experiencing all of this began to ease my concerns for my sister participating in the campus classroom again.
Q. How do you imagine COVID-19 impacting your sister's experience and the future of higher education?
Virtual classes brought a new level of challenges for my sister. She needed to create the "environment" of a classroom on her own and to learn a new level of organization because some courses were asynchronous where instruction and learning do not occur in the same place or at the same time. Exams online held a new pressure of "being watched" and then she worried about hitting 'submit' and seeing only a blank screen! Who would she call if that happened? The structure of traditional classrooms meant students only needed to show up at the prescribed time, not find time on their own. Issues of Wi-Fi, quiet areas to study, stable environments without distractions are all things we all took for granted. This new way to learn, and be tested on what she was learning, was stressful for my sister.
Q. What are the top three things you would recommend for family members to know regarding a student getting their education during the pandemic?
- Be understanding - there is so much pressure
- Have patience and trust - it is easy to be pessimistic these days. Have faith in the process, stay informed and try not to project your fears or doubts onto your student.
- Focus on your student's graduation! There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Keep
in mind the GOAL!
Q. How do you recommend families can support their student during high stress times such as midterms and finals?
Asking "What can I do to help?" reassures students that you have their back. If the student is not doing well in school, they begin to doubt themselves about everything, so you can remind them that you're there for them if they need you.